I know a couple people like this (and if you are reading this,
it's not you). It is my hot button. When someone behaves like this,
I just want to choke the life out of them.
Instead of going to jail, I choose not to be around people like this. :-)
Passive Aggressive (adj.) Of, relating to, or having a personality disorder
characterized by habitual passive resistance to demands for adequate
performance in occupational or social situations,
as by procrastination, stubbornness, sullenness, and inefficiency.
Covert (adj.) Not openly shown, engaged in,
or avowed : VEILED
Passive Aggressive Behavior Defined:
Passive Aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse1.
When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused.
It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and
veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal,
at times loving and caring.
The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.
Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger
in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they
don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment.
A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy
and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior.
Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the
passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or,
are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted
about their behavior.
Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:
* Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words"
when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be.
They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean.
The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act.
Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by
their ambiguous way of communicating.
* Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting."
How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting
that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.
* Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions.
If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work,
the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store.
The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has
faults and they must be punished for those faults.
* Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are
happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive
may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable.
Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and
then sticking it to you in an under-handed way.
* Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living With The
Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone,
he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you.
He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you,
but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit.
Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory
if he denies his need for your support."
* Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust.
Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached
to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make
love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you
by withholding sex.
* Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse?
If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it.
It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way.
He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but,
rarely will he/she follow through with giving it.
It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but
never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much
which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.
* Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly.
If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because;
in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late.
He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations,
an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store.
* Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are
for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned
anyone who expects differently from them.
The Passive Aggressive and You:
The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be
the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and
demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to
co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make
excuses for other's bad behaviors.
The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they
never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility
for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as
if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner.
The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by
a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things
through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the
problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you.
They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to
fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real
seems more logical.
The passive aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don't communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.
Confronting the Passive Aggressive:
Beware, if you confront the passive aggressive he/she will most likely sulk, give you the silent treatment or completely walk away leaving you standing there to deal with the problem alone. There are two reasons for confronting the passive aggressive. One, if done correctly you may be able to help him/her gain insight into the negative consequences of their behaviors. Two, even if that doesn't happen, it will at least give you the opportunity to talk to him/her in a frank way about how his/her behavior affects you. If nothing else you can get a few things "off your chest." Below are some ways you might approach your passive aggressive:
* Make your feelings the subject of the conversation and not his/her
bad behaviors.
* Don't attack his/her character.
* Make sure you have privacy.
* Confront him/her about one behavior at a time,
don't bring up everything at once.
* If he/she needs to retreat from the conversation allow them to do
it with dignity.
* Have a time limit, confrontation should not stretch on indefinitely.
* If he/she tries to turn the table on you, do not defend your need
to have an adult conversation about your feelings.
* Be sure he/she understands that you care about what happens to them,
that you love them and that you are not trying to control them.
You are only trying to get to the bottom of your disagreements
and make the relationship better.
Inside the Passive Aggressive:
The passive aggressive has a real desire to connect with you emotionally
but their fear of such a connection causes them to be obstructive and
engage in self-destructive habits.
He/she will be covert in their actions and it will only move him/her further
from his/her desired relationship with you.
The passive aggressive never looks internally and examines their role in a
relationship problem. They have to externalize it and blame others for
having shortcomings. To accept that he/she has flaws would be tantamount to
emotional self-destruction. They live in denial of their self-destructive
behaviors, the consequences of those behaviors and the choices they make
that cause others so much pain.
The passive aggressive objectifies the object of their desire. You are to be
used as a means to an end. Your only value is to feed his/her own emotional needs.
You are not seen as a person with feelings and needs but as an extension of
him/her. They care for you the way they care for a favorite chair.
You are there for their comfort and pleasure and are of use as long as you
fill their needs.
The passive aggressive wants the attention and attachment that comes
with loving someone but fears losing his/her independence and sense of self
to his/her spouse. They want love and attention but avoid it out of fear
of it destroying them. You have to be kept at arms length and if there is
an emotional attachment it is tenuous at best.
The only hope for change in the way they deal with relationship issues
is if they are able to acknowledge their shortcomings and contributions
to the marital problems. Facing childhood wounds, looking internally
instead of externally to find the cause of problems in their life will
help them form deeper emotional attachments with a higher sense of emotional
safety.
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